Valentines Day – A Cynical Bloggers Romance

It is nearing the end of Valentines Day here in Australia, and while the blog posts, twitter and facebook pages suggest, Valentines is only special for those who aren’t treated special normally (or something along those lines) Outside in the real world, the shops have the usual specials on Chocolates, flowers are coming in by the bundle, and all the lightweight net users are doing the mushy Valentines special thing.

In all honesty, us cynical bloggers LOVE Valentines Day. No other day of the year do we get such a free pass to mock those celebrating this (and I use the term loosely) Holiday. But they open themselves up for ridicule don’t they? Celebrating your love one day isn’t nearly enough. In fact the very next day the men and women will be back to the old tricks, complaining about their significant others lack of interest in them and their interests, whilst they fight tooth and nail to get involved in any of their interests. This is valid for both genders, but refers to 90% of women.

The Tool List ver. 1.0

The Following is version 1.0 of The Tool List, The tool list is a number of traits one might posses which indicate a certain level of toolism. This list is constantly up for review, so any contributions would be very much appreciated. The point system shall be revised and created in full at a later date.

It is not a single thing, or even two or three things on a list which create a tool, the culmination of these things, that is what creates the level of tool.  After all who among us does not have one or two little hints of toolism, myself included.  So without further stalling, I give you the Tool list Version 1.0

The Tool List

1. Hoodie is worn on head – Indoors
2. Low Hanging Pants +2 Points if Belt is Worn
3. Tribal Tattoo’s for those who are NOT in a tribe
4. Sk8r Shoes with brightly coloured laces +2 Points extra +2 for non skaters
5. Dreadlocks for anyone under the age of 16
6. Wearing Sunglasses Indoors
7. Those Funny Tee Shirts that Every Tool Wears
8. Drives a Brightly Coloured Commodore and rents Extra points for those who struggle to pay that rent
9. Abuses Police Officers From Where they cannot be seen or Heard
10. Drives with loud Music for the purpose of Drawing the Attention of Others
11. Go around Town with no shirt on Extra points for Winter
12. Call yourself a Juggalo or Juggalette *this grants an automated 50 Points
13. Is a hard ass online, but refuses to not fence sit when face to face
14. Enjoys Friedberg – Seltzer Films

Miracles?

Dear Magazine Editors,

This may be a bit dated to say, but I finally am getting down to it. Princess Mary having twins is NOT A MIRACLE! This set of twins will bring her count up to if I haven’t blinked and she squeezed out one or two in secret, four children. It tires me to say that every child is a miracle, sure the other day when I crossed the path of a four day old boy, I thought, Holy Crap, that thing grew in that ladies gut, it kind of grossed me out.

If something happens nearly490,000 times a day, does it still consitute a miracle? That comes to 178,850,000, a year, not counting a leap year. One Hundred and Seventy Eight Million, Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand births a year. Does that discount it as a miracle?

Sure for you parents who struggle, have gone through IVF treatments, or were born male, having a child is probably a bit of a miracle, but please to those very fertile women, or editors of magazines who are clucky and concerned that your husband, boyfriend, lesbian lover…. etc, will not ever give you a child…do not call a child a miracle. IT’s just what happens.

How about do a cover that says, ‘Princess Mary’s MIRACLE she is NOT pregnant for once’ or ‘Angelina and Brad Pitt are not going to have another Child, say two hundred million is enough!’ because we all know it is not going to stop till they die or just someone says ENOUGH!

So please, stop calling babies Miracles, I swear if anyone if I ever have a child calls them a miracle, I will throw you out of the top story window.

Sincerely SmilingChaos

Dear Voters.

Nothing is as Thrilling as The Submission of a Vote.

It is that time of year again, probably my favourite day as an Australian Citizen above Australia, and ANZAC day is nearing it. The day we go and use our democratic right and duty, to submit a vote in the federal Election. I on this day found myself discussing much with a lot of people, political issues, how they felt about voting, whether they’d done it or not. Perhaps my favourite thing about this years election is how close the fight for leadership of the country is. Every vote counts, and that means, every time I slip a piece of paper into that box, I am contributing to the fate of my countries future.

Gallivanting around with a flag painted over my body on January 25th, or holding my head down solemnly on ANZAC day does not give this same sense of pride, involvement and patriotism that the act of placing a few numbers on the two pieces of paper that I am given after having my name marked down. I could rattle onn about how other countries do not have this right, or how some are not forced to perform it as a civil duty akin to jury duty. But that is not needed to be said, what needs to be said is that I only get approximately 24 federal Votes in my lifetime. One every three years, state elections and referendums make up a select few additional votes.  If I were to move to say America or another country, forget to go in once, or my life is cut short, I lose that vote.  24 times in my life I will write that number on a ballot, and every time I hope to be able to treasure the fact that I am an Australian voting for the leadership of Australia.

So Australia, stop whining about going in and having your name crossed off, five minutes of your time will not kill you.  five minutes to make a difference, and to avoid a fine. Mark Latham, you can leave a blank ballot if you’d like, but as for myself, I will not waste my vote.

-SmilingChaos

Dear Smear Campaigns.

Dear Smear Campaigners, just a quick note.

Do not use the same slogan that the opposition used to smear your campaign.

As far as my memory serves me didn’t the Howard Government say that Kevin Rudd was

“Just too Big a Risk”

-SmilingChaos

Wasn't Kevin Rudd, Just too Big a Risk?